Sums it up nicely, when it all becomes too much and I trapped myself in my expectations of what I expect to happen and slowly over time, that constraint, that border shrinks, slowly suffocating me in all my responsibilities. Responsibilities which are just life, just basic human being taking care of life responsibilities. The anxiety comes from the unknown and from past experiences that went poorly and I’d like that to not happen. Such in life, what I set my sights on, good or bad, I made reality. And when I’m in overthinking, over planning mode, my goal is supposed to be to think of possible negative outcomes and how to avoid them, and yet this does seem to be another normal day to day human necessity that ensures survival, I might take it farther than I should and stay hyper unfocused on all problems all the time.
Self sabotage once again rears it head, I know the biggest stress on a daily basis, other than social interaction and the anxiety that surrounds each and every encounter is the house finances. I just got them under control and in grasp of that ever evading light at the end of the tunnel, could feel the warmth from the ground that is lit up from the sun like the antithesis of the icy finger of death, I felt how good it is to not have to stress daily about the amount in the accounts. I recently dug a bit of a new hole and know that the current situation is not sustainable, which means more stress. Now I have to reign in everyone else’s wants because I thought I needed something when it turns out, I did not.
Past, present and future stress all at once, no wonder I wind myself into an emotional black hole. I take in every scenario I think of, and hold onto it until there is nothing else to think about, knowing when to take the steps to avoid the bad, and then let it go. There it is, let it go, if I ain’t saying that, I definitely ain’t thinking it, which means I’m holding it all it, until I just can’t take it anymore.
This has been the longest streak of despair in years, and despair is a good word. It means without hope, right? Hey, if I’m wrong, I’ll find out soon enough, no need for searching. One of the things that has stuck with me, if you have a question to anything, answer it wrong online, and you will surely be corrected.
